The Miracle

July 5, 2025

I never prayed so much or pleaded for a miracle as I have over the past 8 months. It is a heart-wrenching spot to be in…thoughts wrestle around in my heart and mind, a turmoil that I have never known. The never-ending questions, trying to hear God, wondering what the answer will be, questioning my ability to navigate it well, but the heaviest burden; trying to protect my daughter from pain, and yet it’s already way past that.

I hear of miracles all the time. The more we tell our story, the more stories we hear of miracles. To me, a miracle is when something happens that has zero explanation other than God. It is an event that defies all medical reports, every test that said otherwise, each scan showing the problems, and every appointment that delivers devastating news. The anxiety and trauma start out overwhelming and become numbing. It’s like riding a roller coaster; can’t see, can’t breathe, can’t control a single thing, just trying to survive the ride, all the while a silent scream that won’t come out.

The unfairness of life consumes the heart and mind. The question of why suffocates. Hope feels like a bad joke, although many people tout its effects, it is impossible to grasp. There are zero answers, zero explanations, and zero understanding. Only fear battling it out with faith. Everyone’s voice sounds different, words they say at the appointments sound cold, flippant, and without heart. It’s just the facts we are told. There are zero facts in a miracle. That is what makes it one.

Believing for a miracle can feel foolish, naïve, and on the edge of insane. Can false hope break a heart past ever healing? Does trusting despite facts set one up for a heart-crushing that is not recoverable? Is there a place between hope and reality? If your hope is shattered by brutal truth, can you ever hope again?

So many stories of miracles are encouraging and yet bring many questions, such as, why would I get one? Do I have enough faith to earn one? Will I survive a NO? If I get this one will it be my last? What is my part in the answer? I believe I will settle into the answer, eventually. Most of the settling will have to happen around letting go of knowing why! Sitting with unanswered questions feels bristly and uncomfortable. Lying in the dark, night after night, trying to hear God’s voice brings me to a place of surrender; realizing I have zero control over anything. And thankful that God is fully in control. I know He hears and answers the hundreds of prayers that have gone up asking for this miracle. The only survivable answer is trust. Trust in the chaos, trust in the pain, and trust in the eternal healing if not the one on earth.

Thank you, God for your never-ending forgiveness and understanding of my fragile heart and my anger and confusion. Please never leave me despite these things. I thank you now for your answer, whatever you choose it to be. Because if nothing else, I do believe You will show up somehow, some way in the mess. And if I look, I will see.

July 13, 2025

The healing happened, just not on the side of heaven we had hoped for.

Even though I walk through the darkest valley,  I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. Psalm 23:4

Read the next chapter of the story: Seven Days of Life